People too often conflate love with enabling, and that misunderstanding leaves families stuck in vicious cycles far beyond the addiction. Supporting a loved one in their treatment requires a clear-eyed distinction between empathy and saving them because, in most cases, the latter is destined to fail. It is not that you should love less, but rather that you should love differently.
1. Know the difference between enabling and empowering
Enabling behaviors often masquerade as helpful, supportive acts. Paying their rent for the month, covering for them at work when they are hungover, fixing the mess resulting from the DUI – all of these are manifestations of enabling. Enabling removes the consequences from their actions, thus robbing them of the lessons necessary to break the cycle of addiction. Subtle empowering behaviors, by contrast, are focused on facilitating their road to recovery while allowing the consequences to unfold.
You will not always get them right, but asking yourself whether a behavior enables or facilitates recovery is an excellent litmus test. Lending them money for the nth time will not get them to rehabilitation, but helping them find a place there most certainly can.
2. Set boundaries and hold to them
The failure to respect boundaries is usually the reason why they become meaningless. If you are not prepared to follow through on your own pleas for them to stop drinking or using, your words will never carry the weight they should. A promise to stop giving them money will have little meaning if you hand them some cash three days later. You will also remember every instance of failed enforcement, which can weaken your resolve on subsequent occasions, making your promises increasingly meaningless.
Your boundaries should be decided beforehand, preferably when your emotions will not dictate the terms that will supposedly bind your future conduct. Some examples of the types of boundaries you may want to consider are the following:
\- Denying them any cash advances, gift cards, or bill payments used for substance use
\- Refusing to stay at the same house when they are using
\- Stopping lying to authorities, employers, or educators for them
\- Declining to assist them in evading the law when using
Write them down and, when the time comes, discuss them with your loved one when they are not under the influence of the substance. Talking to them while angry will turn these boundary descriptions into accusations.
3. Change your speech patterns
Families too often resort to accusations when discussing the addicted person’s addiction, and in many cases, this approach is warranted. Their addiction certainly does involve numerous betrayals and instances of gaslighting. However, accusing them of being consistently dishonest and abusive can lead them to use substances as a coping mechanism to escape the guilt.
“I” statements are designed to alleviate the pressure applied by accusations such as those mentioned above. They are significantly more difficult for the accused to dismiss or justify because they focus on the emotional state of the speaker. “I feel threatened when you do X” is much more difficult to refute than “You always do X and it is terrible!”
They are not a manipulation tactic or a tool for holding your position in the discussion while appearing more virtuous. They are merely a mechanism to lessen the emotional burden of the interaction, and they are so useful in these situations that systematic family therapy will teach you to use them.
4. Help them seek treatment, and do not attempt to do it yourself
Families frequently attempt to take control of the situation before looking for professional assistance. It often involves extensive online research followed by an unwritten agreement with their addicted loved one and, in some cases, an attempt at a home detoxification. None of these approaches have proven effective, and the last one can be especially harmful in the case of certain substances.
A medical detox is necessary for a significant number of addiction cases, including alcohol, benzodiazepines, and other depressants. Even in cases involving drugs with a low risk of withdrawal, psychological cravings may require the involvement of medical professionals since ordinary people may have limited ability to manage them.
Once their detox is complete, they may want to explore various therapeutic settings to discover which one is the easiest for them to engage with, including CBT, which assists them in identifying the irrational thought patterns enabling their addiction.
Your involvement should be limited to helping them in their endeavor. It can involve discussing their options, transporting them to their sessions, or accompanying them to a facility if they are afraid to go alone.
Integrated family treatment, such as the option at Legacy Healing NJ, is focused on engaging the family in the treatment rather than excluding them to ensure greater success in the long run.
5. Family therapy is an essential element
Most addictions rarely occur in isolation, and the same can be said for family dynamics. Integrated family therapy is an approach that regards the household affected by addiction as a system, within which each member plays a role. Those roles frequently involve the encouragement and justification of the addicted person’s decisions via codependency. Codependency itself usually develops when another person fulfills the role of a “rescuer,” meaning that they conceal their addicted loved one’s flaws and shortcomings while secretly believing themselves to be unworthy of this responsibility.
Family therapy is focused on uncovering these dynamics for the addicted person and their family in an effort to deescalate the situation. It is messy, taxing, and rarely pleasant, but it will achieve much better results than an individual counseling session. According to a study published in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, integrated family therapy can reduce dropout rates by as much as 70% for the 12-month period following treatment, which is certainly worth considering.
6. Family needs support too
Helping a loved one through their addiction can frequently be emotionally taxing in ways that most people are simply not prepared for. That is why the existence of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon is necessary – you need someone to help you process your feelings of resentment, anger, and helplessness without reinforcing harmful patterns in your addicted loved one.
They provide the tools necessary to develop a healthy detachment that allows you to care for your family member without losing yourself in the process. This is a skill that few people possess, which is why most of them will struggle greatly when attempting to care for an addicted person while managing their own emotions.
Peer support is crucial because it comes from people who have been through similar circumstances and can relate to your struggles on a deeper level than most therapists. Your treatment provider can give you excellent advice, but someone who has successfully navigated the rehabilitation process can assure you that it is possible.
7. Create a relapse prevention plan together
Relapse prevention plans are typically devised in treatment, and your family should be involved with the process if the addiction facility allows it. A good relapse prevention plan should list the known triggers along with the measures you will take to avoid them. Triggers can be anything from a particular social circle to employment-related stress and even certain holidays.
The family’s role in this plan cannot be understated. It is important to devise a strategy for responding to a potential relapse, including who should be contacted. It is also crucial to distinguish between an isolated incident and a return to active addiction. Discussing these details while you are all lucid will help you prevent panic attacks when the time comes.
Trigger identification can be a joint effort when it is not used as a tool of manipulation. Family members may spot certain stressors before their addicted loved one realizes how they affect them.
8. Know what to do about post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome
Detox is only the beginning, but it can be the most challenging part of the rehabilitation process for those struggling with substance use disorder. The Acute Withdrawal stage, which ends with detox, can be physically exhausting and emotionally devastating. The transition back to regular life can also be taxing, which is why many people in recovery and their families experience PAWS, or Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome can last for weeks or months after detox and frequently manifests as irritability, insomnia, anxiety, depression, and other unpleasant mental states. These symptoms are often stressful to both the recovering addict and their family, who sometimes interpret them as an indicator of treatment failure and a reason to return to substance use. These experiences are normal, however, and understanding PAWS’ nature and the reasons behind its manifestations can help you prevent further complications.
PAWS often fuels the anxiety of both the recovering addict and their family, which means emotional support is often more valuable than any other type of intervention.
9. Remember to continue to support your own health
Caregiver burnout is one of the most insidious dangers that families face when dealing with a loved one’s addiction. People forget that caring for another person can be emotionally and physically taxing for the caregiver. An overwhelmed caregiver has little energy to enforce boundaries, which leads to the deterioration of the family dynamic.
Self-care is not an optional luxury but an integral aspect of the rehabilitation process. It involves getting proper rest, seeking separate therapy if applicable, and having friends who are not addicted and who are not involved in your family’s dynamics. If you are drained and angry, you will not be able to set healthy boundaries with your addicted loved one.
10. Prepare their return to your home
If your loved one is returning home to your care after inpatient treatment, you and/or your family will have to make some modifications to your environment to ensure your own well-being. This change can be challenging for your loved one, and these modifications should be made before they arrive. It goes without saying that any liquor and other substances should be removed from the house. However, there are also less obvious triggers, such as music they enjoyed while drinking, the room they used to sit in to be alone after a binge, and other items that contribute to the development of addiction.
Walking through your home with fresh eyes or those of a trusted addiction specialist may help you spot these potential hazards, and the more you remove, the easier it will be for everyone to return to normal life.
